For the past 4 weeks I have been living in a small remote village, called Kanin, in Brandenburg. There are only around 100 inhabitants, and in the village there is a little community called 'Lauter Leben', currently consisting of 6 families, one of which I am living with as an Au Pair. During the week, I look after a little 1 year old, go for walks in the nature, create new drawings and edit photos in my spare time. As I get 3 days off a week, I use this time to explore Berlin, meet new people and create new photos and artwork with lovely people!
I feel like now everything is starting to slot into place. I have done my first photo shoot since being here, I have started to meet people, and I am slowly picking up more of the language. Hopefully I will also be starting a language course soon. Even though I've not been here long, I am already so certain that this was the right choice to make.
I thought about going to University in England, but I didn't apply as I wasn't sure if it was the right thing for me. I am constantly flicking between different crafts (illustration, photography, painting, etc) and had no idea which to specialise in, nor where I wanted to be living. I went to Sixth Form College and did A Levels in Fine Art, Photography and Media. I was totally in love with spending all the time I could in the darkroom, developing film and black & white photographs I'd taken in museums and natural history shops. I would quite happily spend hours on an oil painting, or hours developing a whole contact sheet's worth of negatives. But when it came to deciding what to do after college, I was very indecisive.
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| 2012 Booth Museum Darkroom processed |
I spent a year on a Foundation Art & Design course, but was persuaded by the tutors to take an unfamiliar pathway which led me to severely not enjoying the course and feeling like I'd wasted the whole experience. As my A Level grades were A*AA, my tutors were confused as to why I wasn't doing so well in the course, constantly asking me, "Where has A* Molly gone?". I don't know where she went, but I am, however, grateful for the new skills in casting and sculpture I picked up in that pathway, and it definitely helped me to realise what it is I do enjoy. The problem was though, that whilst everyone else knew what they wanted to do and had all their University interviews, I was stuck with a billion thoughts and ideas in my head and no idea what to do. I was mainly regretting joining that course and wishing I'd spent my last year of free education in the Photography Foundation class instead. In hindsight, I could have utilised the 3D pathway to fit my style and taste, and I did do this as much as I could (my final piece was about the concept of blood & organ donation, and consisted of casts of real anatomical hearts) but in reality, none of it was to my full potential, and I left feeling completely unfulfilled with not a lot of work that I truly loved to show for it.
I then spent the next year and a half working in a high street shop, focusing way too much on my social life, and not really paying much attention to where it was all leading to. I started to forget about all the art I loved making, only occasionally getting my camera or sketchbook out. My passion for drawing was diminishing so I decided to try out portrait photography, something I'd never done before. I went out into the countryside with friends and found gorgeous locations, and started to organise photo shoots with models or friends, but only every few months or so, as I was so wrapped up in other things. I knew I had all this creativity in me that was bursting to come out but I wasn't giving it the time it needed. I also knew I was getting totally bored of living in the same place; I needed to explore somewhere totally new.
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| 2014 Model: Thy Jaffa |
So, instead of spending more and more time in my home city of Brighton, being completely clueless as to where my life was heading, I decided I needed to do something. I'd visited friends all over the UK at their Uni campus' and as much as it was a lot of fun, it wasn't what I wanted to commit my life to as well. I looked into studying abroad, but the dilemma was the same - what do I want to do? What do I want to commit 3 or 4 years of my life to? I don't know!! And what if I changed my mind halfway through and wasted 9 Grand a year on a degree I didn't even complete? All of these 'what's and 'if's and 'but's and utter confusion finally led me to a decision - I need to leave Brighton, I need to leave England, I need to experience something new and give myself the time and space to work out what I love doing, and maybe not ever need to go to Uni. So, becoming an Au Pair abroad was my answer.
I wasn't exactly sure which country I wanted to go to, but I knew I wanted to improve my German at the same time. I made an account on Au Pair World, and straight away the family I am now living with contacted me and insisted they thought I was the right person for them. We messaged, Skyped, and eventually I made up my mind. I thought, "If I don't do it now, when am I ever going to do it?".
I had a few months left in Brighton to get as many photo shoots done as I could, working full time hours to save up as much money as I could before leaving, and having my last meet ups with friends.
I arrived in Berlin on 2nd February, 2015. My host mum picked me up with her 5 year old, and we drove to the little village of Kanin, which at the time was covered in snow, a very picturesque welcoming. I was introduced to the rest of the family, and eventually the whole community of Lauter Leben. It was very overwhelming at first, not understanding anything and feeling like such an outsider, but it really didn't take long to feel settled and comfortable. Everyone was so welcoming and friendly, speaking in English when they could, and it really put me at ease.
In the past 4 weeks I've been travelling to Berlin and Potsdam, going to flea markets, galleries, exhibitions, museums and live music shows, having movie nights and big meals with the community, making camp fires with singing and guitars, tasting new food and cooking for other people, explored the abandoned building complex of Beelitz-Heilstatten, taken a German test to start a language course, had a meeting with a gallery owner about being part of an exhibition, eaten at vegan cafes, met up with models and have just done my first photo shoot since arriving, at an old German cemetery.
So, I guess this is my new journey. I am being more productive than ever and feel so determined to finally make something of myself. I don't know for certain how long I will be in Germany, but I know right now I don't see myself going back to my Brighton life any time soon.
You are going to have an amazing time with all these fantastic opportunities
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